Blue In Motion

Always thankful in Love Light and Truth

Thoughts on “Ashley Bell”by Dean Koontz

I’ve decided to be a bit more… involved(?) with books I read. Instead of tearing though them, I want to actually mull over what I’ve read. I want to enjoy the anticipation. I’ll start with the book I’ve been contemplating reading for a while now. I may do this with several books at once. I am not allow to read a new chapter until I’ve processed the one’s I’ve already finished. I will not be throwing in any spoilers. I am just recording feelings towards the chapters themselves. Even if it is only a line or two, I have to be an active reader.

Chapter 1: The Girl Whose Mind Was Always Spinning
I enjoyed this perspective given. As a first chapter, it has done it’s job very well. I WANT to keep reading. I’m already invested in this character by glimpsing so briefly into who she is. I like Bibi. Koontz also does a good job adding in such an intrigue so early on. He’s good about that on a regular basis. I won’t lie… I like Bibi a bit because she’s a bit of me. I really enjoy the chapter name too. Call me a narcissist.

Chapter 2: Another Perfect Day in Paradise
It is interesting how Koontz dances between dark suspense and monotonous daily living. I really like the idea of if given lemons, don’t make lemonade…make limoncello. If nothing else, these first two chapters (Hell page one of chapter 2) helps solidify my love of Dean Koontz. His word play makes me smile and I don’t skim with his writing as a may with some authors. He isn’t trying to sound intelligent. He paints as he writes. So far, Bibi has a touch of Amelie Poulain.

Chapter 3: The Salon
An interesting chapter developing the new character Nancy. There is something about her. I don’t know if I like her. It might be the hair.

Chapter 4: Searching for the Silver Lining
I take it back. Nancy is okay. I do have an issue regarding something medical, but that’s whatever. I’m not going to be that critical today. It gets better as the chapter continues. Note to anyone reading…as a 911 dispatcher, just because you don’t think it’s serious or if you think something doesn’t pertain to you for such and such factor… SHUT UP AND GET TO A HOSPITAL.

Chapter 5: Pet the Cat
Dean Koontz is consistent with parental figures and surfing.


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Gone with the tide

I want to be, see, feel, and rediscover
everything you forgot I already am.
Don’t you see that as I stood still,
waiting for you to catch up,
my image began to blur.
Instead of seeing me as something to run towards,
I became that thing you resented.
To you, I am now miles on a treadmill instead of a destination.
In your eyes, this woman standing with arms outstretched,
morphed into something you’d rather run away from.
I can’t stay here anymore.
No longer a fairy dancing in your vision,
just a singing siren beckoning you to a death.
I’m not.
I am more.
I am a wild child woman looking for something more.
I am currents that swirl and change with the moon.
My favor and desires grow with each lick upon the shore.
I am hunger for movement.
I sing with the waves.
I dance upon foam and glisten in light.
My storms are fierce and my lulls are gentle.
Hidden in my depths are monsters and treasures you cannot begin to fathom.
I am warmth creation and I am cold icy death.
I am not the siren.
I am the ocean incarnate.
Fearsome as I am sweet.
Return to your rocks and your shores.
It is not my fault you couldn’t handle me.

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Fall of the Noncommittal Queen

Against my better judgement, you convinced me that this “us” was something worth fighting to keep. Now I feel like this “us” is nothing more than a chore to you. As soon as I was ready for commitment, you back away and continued to prove that I was better off without that hope.

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There is something terrible … wicked … sexy
… about regret.
It taunts you with a need  indescribable.
Memories resurface and tether mind_body_soul to the past,
moving your hands and heart towards goals unreachable.
Regret drags you back to places long gone,
keeping them fresh and vivid enough to delight and ensnare.
A horrible succubus smiling beautiful in the corner,
beckoning you to die a little death.
Climaxing on thoughts alone
Wretch your spirit free from reality,
for the pleasure of witnessing self destruction.

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Moving and Waiting

We had to leave our house. The neighbor finally reached the point of enough in my book. I am genuinely terrified of the man and I don’t feel comfortable staying in the house long enough to get the rest of the packing done when I’m alone. The insane drunk threatened my dogs. (Specifically stating that he intended to throw d-Con into our backyard to poison them.) After the other threats, almost running me off the road, throwing trash on my car, and shooting fireworks at our house over the last year… I’d had enough.

So now N and I live separately. I at my mother’s and N with her father. We have at least 30 minutes between us. N still works near where I currently reside, but we didn’t see each other much when we lived together. I’m alone a lot of the time. Neither of the dogs or the cat came with me. (Tiberius and Ganifish did tag along, but fish aren’t exactly cuddly.)

I do enjoy my space. It is nice to not worry about another person schedule, but I’m lonely. The next step is to either buy a house together or break up since neither of us want to move into another apartment. It’s another waiting game.

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Sourdough Jesus

I was recently watching a Docu-series on Netflix called “Cooked.” The 3rd episode (Titles “Air”) talks about bread and the history of it’s preparation. In the most basic explanation to the best of my abilities…

Bread started in Ancient Egypt. To the best of historians’ guesses, someone had some flour/wheat gruel and left it out for a few days. Someone must have noticed it bubbling and they decided to throw it in an oven and see what happened. Thus, bread was born. That is how it was done. People in the historical world mixed flour and water, let it sit for days, and then baked it in a communal oven. They made sour dough bread without a starter.

This got me thinking about Jesus. I am not a Christian woman, so stay with me and understand that nothing I say after this is meant to discourage belief, disprove their religion, or undermine their faith.

What if Jesus invented the Sour Dough Starter? Think about it. There is a story where he feeds 500 people with 5 loaves of bread. What if that bread wasn’t cook? What if it was still raw and therefore a sour dough starter?

Hear me out. Back then, it took a long time for bread to rise. What if he just sped up the process by dividing the loaves of uncooked bread and had people mix it with available flour. Those loaves would have risen pretty quickly instead of days later and the communal oven would have been baking up a storm of fluffy hunger-sating goodness. People back then did NOT have science and couldn’t explain what was happening. Having bread set and rise so quickly would have been AMAZING. Back then, the explainable was either witchcraft or a miracle depending on outcome. This amazing feat of near instant bread was a gift from god when you had 500 people.

AND to throw this further. It wouldn’t have been hard for him to put this kind of equation together…
“It was customary to grind the grain and bake fresh bread daily, and often the bread wasunleavened (Heb., mats·tsahʹ). The flour was simply mixed with water, and no leaven was added before the kneading of the dough. In making leavened bread, the general practice was to take a piece of dough retained from a previous baking and use it as a leavening agent by crumbling it into the water prior to the mixing in of the flour. Such a mixture would be kneaded and permitted to stand until it leavened.” (Source:

WHEN this method starts or what it’s origin is,  isn’t documented and by the time that Jesus and the gospels were written, it is likely that this would have just been the normal practice.

I’m not the only one to associate Jesus with Sourdough Bread. (
“A baker’s dozen attended the Last Supper, twelve disciples, and Christ himself. What was on the menu? Bread. Taking place during Passover, no leavened bread could be eaten, so sourdough was unfortunately not possible even though it doesn’t require any added yeast (what a shame). Instead Jesus offered the flatbread, curiously saying “this is my body”, predicted that one of his Apostles would betray him, and was crucified the next day. But, if a little dough was left over, and Christ himself had handled it, if it was cared for and nurtured, and allowed to sour with the same bacteria that was a part of Christ, it would become delicious, and most importantly, you could literally eat the body of Christ. Jesus Christ could still be living right now in a goopy dough, and blessing the palates of the fortunate when they eat their daily bread.”
Take that a bit further. WHAT IF THAT IS HOW THE WHOLE MESSAGE WAS SPREAD? What if they all got a bit of starter from jesus at the last supper,because the bread wasn’t leavened. So Jesus would have made that starter himself and like sharing it with the 500 people, he was telling his followers to share not only his message but FOOD with people. What would be a better way to help people listen? Feed them!  So the message wasn’t just
“Eat this bread because body and blood symbolism.” it was

“Take this bread starter, make bread for others and share with it in both method and message.”

Bam. Plausible.

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Answering 7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose

Friday Soul Searching: This FSS is brought to you by
I stumbled into this article and decided that maybe it was time for some introspection. Here it goes….

“What unpleasant experiences are you able to handle? Are you able to stay up all night coding? Are you able to put off starting a family for 10 years? Are you able to have people laugh you off the stage over and over again until you get it right?

What shit sandwich do you want to eat? Because we all get served one eventually.”

Blue: This immediately puts my mind at a blank. I know that sounds insane, but it’s true. I already handle no sleep, no social life, no family time, and more with my current job. At the same time, I COULDN’T handle giving up having a job with some meaning behind it like I was doing before. I help people every day when I go to work. Some people that call in are annoying, but I’m willing to put up with it as well. I guess I’m already eating a “shit sandwich” ? I’ll have to think on this one more.

“We all have a tendency to lose touch with what we loved as a child. Something about the social pressures of adolescence and professional pressures of young adulthood squeezes the passion out of us. We’re taught that the only reason to do something is if we’re somehow rewarded for it.
[…]The funny thing though, is that if my 8-year-old self had asked my 20-year-old self, “Why don’t you write anymore?” and I replied, “Because I’m not good at it,” or “Because nobody would read what I write,” or “Because you can’t make money doing that,” not only would I have been completely wrong, but that 8-year-old boy version of myself would have probably started crying.”

Blue: Oh man, when I was 8 I was a writer and an artist. I loved being creative. Music, Art, Performances and Literature…It was the only thing that made me feel good when I was being bullied. I just don’t do it anymore. That really does sum it up. I loved being expressive and experiencing the expressions of others. If I told myself back then that I am less than creative now and that I still feel lonely often… I don’t think 8 year old me could handle that. Especially since I don’t even experience the art of others much outside of Netflix and Tumblr when I’ve told myself that I want to. That’s pretty shameful.

“Whatever it is, don’t just look at the activities that keep you up all night, but look at the cognitive principles behind those activities that enthrall you. Because they can easily be applied elsewhere.”

Blue: Reading does that and so does writing. Puzzle-type games. Anything that challenges and captures me mentally or emotionally.  I can forego much of anything if I see a play/dance recital/art exhibit. I like thinking.

“Right now, there’s something you want to do, something you think about doing, something you fantasize about doing, yet you don’t do it. You have your reasons, no doubt. And you repeat these reasons to yourself ad infinitum.

But what are those reasons? Because I can tell you right now that if those reasons are based on what others would think, then you’re screwing yourself over big time.”

Blue: Well, I’ve always wanted to dance. If I hear music or see a show/movie involving a dance scene, it is hard to not dance in my seat along with them. Maybe I should actually get into that belly dance class I’ve been tinkering with in my head…as soon as my ankle heals enough to actually walk on it.

“Find a problem you care about and start solving it. Obviously, you’re not going to fix the world’s problems by yourself. But you can contribute and make a difference. And that feeling of making a difference is ultimately what’s most important for your own happiness and fulfillment.”

Blue: As if I’m not passionate enough about different causes ad nauseum . N regularly reminds me that I’m opinionated about injustices and things that I want to change. I’m TOO aggressive with it. I used to volunteer but my job really does make the time I have hard to manage. I adopted a rescue dog. I donate money to animal rescues. I adopted the SADDEST 2 fishes from Meijer because I didn’t want them to die without having a real life. I answer 911 every day for fire and medical emergencies. Hell, I even pick up homeless people and take them out for a meal (N yelled at me for doing this… Not allowed to do it anymore….Dangerous and whatnot) What comes next on my save the world list, I don’t know….

“So ask yourself, if someone put a gun to your head and forced you to leave your house every day for everything except for sleep, how would you choose to occupy yourself? And no, you can’t just go sit in a coffee shop and browse Facebook. You probably already do that. Let’s pretend there are no useless websites, no video games, no TV. You have to be outside of the house all day every day until it’s time to go to bed — where would you go and what would you do?

[…]What would you do with all of that time?

If it strikes your fancy, write down a few answers and then, you know, go out and actually do them. Bonus points if it involves embarrassing yourself.”

Blue: I’d drive and keep driving. I’d never come home to sleep, I’d just do it in my car. I’d experience life and people. I’d spend my days hiking, waving “free hugs” signs, dancing around in the streets, and even just sitting in parks. I’d EXPERIENCE more than this work-centric stagnant life.

“What is your legacy going to be? What are the stories people are going to tell when you’re gone? What is your obituary going to say? Is there anything to say at all? If not, what would you like it to say? How can you start working towards that today?

And again, if you fantasize about your obituary saying a bunch of badass shit that impresses a bunch of random other people, then again, you’re failing here.”

Blue: I’d live out of a backpack and do little miracles for random people I saw. It would be worth it.  Take my dog, sell my stuff, and not come back until I changed the lives of at least 100 people.

“Discovering one’s “purpose” in life essentially boils down to finding those one or two things that are bigger than yourself, and bigger than those around you. And to find them you must get off your couch and act, and take the time to think beyond yourself, to think greater than yourself, and paradoxically, to imagine a world without yourself.”

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Blackstar In My Ear

The chanting beckons me to the center
and begs me to stay a while.
A world of intrigue.
Worship through birth and mourning.
I’d rather wear a blindfold.

Ashes replace the tombstone,
keeping the goblins and ghosts at bay.
Voices resonating on repeat.
“Look to the sky! Look to the sky!”
I can’t handle the responsibility

His soul unfolds from the darkness,
caressing me in my dreams.
Open-hearted conversations.
Questions will remain as intended.
My vision blurred the lines.

Coiling stairways change into atmosphere,
terrifying glory to behold.
Departure leaves a sting.
Stardust diamonds in hand.
I’m left alone with my thoughts.


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It’s been a while

I haven’t been on this blog in a long time. The escape of this blog was practically forgotten until an old acquaintance(? I guess you could call him that?) sent me a link to his writing blog.

Reading through my sparse past postings made me realize just how cynical I’ve become. I miss the happier me. Maybe I just need to get back to writing. Bullet point updates:

  • N and I are no longer engaged.  She broke that off about a year ago. We are still together, but I can’t say it didn’t alter my perception of “us.” I’m also still a little bitter about it at some level.
  • I have fish now. 2 Beta in my kitchen that bookend my sink. They were the saddest looking ones. Now they are happy. Tiny efforts to help improve lives makes me have some hope.
  • I don’t have much of a social life anymore. Work consumes my life. It has really added more than a touch of bite to my personality.
  • I feel disconnected. It is as if there is constant static in my head.
  • David Bowie (David Jones) passed away this month. I’m still recovering. He was an inspiration.


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Quizzically you

N and I were having a discussion recently about online quizzes. She doesn’t take any stake in them for several reasons. I can understand that. They are very TEEN MAGAZINE sometimes, but they do have their good points when you sit back and look at them.

They can easily be catered to the people taking the quiz and often you can pick what outcome you want if the quiz is simple enough. (Or if you know what the results are based off of)
That’s kind of the point isn’t it? To be able to express how you perceive yourself to others. Maybe it is even how you want to be perceived. If nothing else, simple quizzes can be a fun way to do a little bit of introspection.

How do you answer the questions? If you answer the questions with total honesty, doesn’t that show you are being honest with yourself. What a good quality to have. Especially when you aren’t afraid of the results and how others will see it. Do you answer the questions to receive a certain result? Why is that? Are you doing it to post it online so that it reinforces the perception others have of you. Are you answering them the way you are because those are the qualities or outcome you WISH you exhibited? Are you just trying to get the funniest result possible?

Not to mention the quizzes you are taking. Are a majority of them magic or fantasy based? Maybe you want to find the magic within yourself or give yourself confirmation that you’re on the wrong plane of existence. Are you sticking to love or money quizzes? Maybe you’re focusing too much on something that you want and not what you NEED to be focusing on. The analysis possibilities are endless here and if you want, you can really delve into yourself and others by their quizzes. As silly as they are, maybe they aren’t so worthless.

Also, if you think about it… why do some people not want to take them? Are they afraid of the possible results or are they possibly afraid of showing other people the results? Or the people posting quiz results ALL THE TIME who might just want people to want to know them at a deeper level… Just some stuff to think about

Regardless of any of this, quizzes can be fun. Maybe take the time to look at your quiz crazy friends and their results. It might be an eye opening experience

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